I have to say that 2019 showed me a whole lot about me. I had been thinking a lot about what I didn’t want to happen and by all means it all happened because I focused on all that could go wrong in 2019. I met someone in December 2018 that changed my entire life.
You know how it is when you meet someone that challenges your idea of what love is. They come into your life all of a sudden. Then you start to dissect them. For me I know I did it because I was afraid to be vulnerable and relinquish control to her because I didn’t know if she knew how to love me. So I challenged her in every way until I almost lost her.
In the moments that I was alone in my thoughts about how I managed to push her away, I had time to examine deeply why I continued to do that in my life. I go into my thoughts of things I dont know to be true and create this whole story about what’s happening before I know what’s happening. Because of that I created arguments where they should not have been, I accused her of things that may or may not have been true. I had no proof of anything so I shouldn’t have allowed my thoughts and of course other people to infect my thoughts of her in that way.
That being said it was one of the most challenging moments that I have ever been in. The relationship was doomed it seemed from the beginning, I think because we both knew the attraction was strong and real but also very scary. From fear of being wrong about the person or being hurt. Afraid that this is just another one of those times I fall for someone who does not fall for me the same way.
Anyway, She has her own set of things to work through and we both created our own stories of each other based on what we thought would happen. Having to step back and examine how we got to that place, opened up my mind to understand the roll I played in it so I wouldn’t do it again in the next relationship. I had excepted that I can not control the outcome and that from now on I would just enjoy the experience and try to consistently create memories that last forever.
Thankfully we have been able to work it out because we both owned our issues. Now communication is wide open. We decided to continue to be friends and date, which I am so excited about. As you can see when you change the way you look at things they can go from difficult to rewarding. I know now what has been holding me back from being happy and enjoying all experiences. I spend way too much thought on the outcome and try to control it versus just enjoying the experience and I think way too much, especially on the things I don’t want to happen.
The realization that every struggle is an opportunity to grow beyond the circumstances is a major part of the journey of life. I myself know that as long as we take up physical space on this Earth we will always experience opportunities for growth. Be blessed!
